Your Moment of Weakness Should not Lead to a Relapse

I missed my bus today.

I did not oversleep.

I did not loiter until it was the last minute.

I did everything right, yet, I missed my bus today.

Those who have a personal relationship with me can testify to the fact that I never take my travel plans seriously. In that aspect of my life, I shamefully, have mastered the art of outrageous procrastination. I embark on a 45 mins journey to the airport 1 hr 30 mins before the plane leaves (not boards). I yell “hold the door” to the annoyance of other subway passengers, and Lord knows how many times, I’ve gotten left out of my uber pool.

Today was different. Partly because, I was trying to do better at age 23, mostly because I knew today was not the day to trifle. You see, the way my bank account and my entire week was set up, I had limited funds and limited time to do what needed to get done before I had to leave and officially start the Girlily project.  I knew it, my schedule knew it, my wallet resounded it: today was the day I quit playing.

Unfortunately for me, my Lyft driver must not have gotten the memo because she, for some reason, decided to steer clear of the HOV lane, despite me repeatedly telling her that I had a bus to catch. Sure there was traffic but, in the history of road rage, I’d presume that if you see a lane that’s empty, faster and moving in your direction, you’d take it.

She didn’t.

She instead, found solace in harsh jolts, breaks and unnecessary swerves into congested lanes. When we finally made it out of that mess, she missed an exit then took two wrong turns. The bus left at 7:00, I arrived at 7:01.

I’ve missed so many buses in my young adult life; a lot of flights, trains, you name it. This one was particularly painful because it reminded me of everything that had gone wrong leading to the present moment in which I now found myself.

Thus began the spiral downhill.

I was mad at the Lyft driver for failing to take the HOV lane.

I was mad at the traffic for contributing to my failed mission.

I was mad at my family for choosing a house for us that was so far from civilization.

I was mad at my car dealer for putting me in a situation where I had to travel back and forth to rectify documents 3 months after a cash sale.

I was mad at Apple Pay for messing with my Uber now that I needed to get back home.

I was mad at myself for getting into an unfortunate situation with these unfortunate people in the first place.

As the sadness welled downwards, I thought of him, a him to text and rant about how bad my day was… the him.

Here was the same behavior that put a strain on our relationship in the first place. This intensity. This inability to exist for a second without..HIM. Involving HIM in my issues…bringing HIM up.

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It was the same behavior that forced a mindset check on my part, when it was clear my obsessiveness was a cry for help. The reason I was able to find myself,  refocus and repurpose from pain to promise. Yet, here I was willing to throw my progress down the drain for temporary relief. I was sad and angry that things were not going my way and in that moment of weakness, I so much wanted to be coddled that I was willing to overlook the expense. The possibility of going back to square one (the phase of zero focus, misplaced priorities, self-doubt and lack of faith) after one month of growth.

My comfort zone was my relapse.

I wrote the first draft of this article during the uber ride back home, and 5 minutes into the ride, I began to feel better.

I’d like to say that it was because I wrote down my feelings but honestly it was because time was passing. The truth, and what most of us fail to realize is, a moment of weakness is only what it is – a moment. Unfortunately, we tend to accord it greater power by spending much more time than necessary, dwelling on it. Suddenly a moment of weakness becomes years of pain.

My weakness was an emotional dependency; yours could be anything, drinking, weed, cheating, gambling, a habit that’s ultimately detrimental but somehow becomes a comfortable resort when you get faced with life’s toughest challenges.

It is normal to automatically resort to your weakness when you get weighed down, but you’ll be the winner if you remember that pain is fleeting, and we are only affected by that which we allow to harm us.  If you recognize that moment for what it is – a MOMENT of weakness – which will pass with time. You’d be in control of the situation and more open to the idea that time will blur your pain.

I never advocate glossing over your feelings and pretending they are not there. I’ve learned from experience and thanks to a tip from Gwyneth Paltrow that, acknowledging our emotions whether good, bad or heated is the first step to gaining control over them.

• Take that moment – of weakness – to recognize your feelings, but nothing more.

• Identify how you feel and why you feel that way

• Understand that, indulging might stifle the discomfort for a bit, but it won’t change anything.

• Breathe.

This too shall pass. Time will blur your pain, and quite frankly, pain is only pain when we dwell on it.

I’m incredibly proud of myself for not giving in to my weakness. Have you experienced a particularly sad situation? How did you deal with it? Share your story with us.